It’s Not Recovery That Hurts, It’s Your History

If you are the victim of narcissistic abuse by a parent, spouse or someone who was in a position of authority or control, you have probably experienced the paralysis of pain when you try to recover. That pain is not caused by your recovery, it is caused by the historic wounds on your soul.

Here are a few specific ways that your history causes you to hurt when you are in recovery.

  • A wound may appear to be healed, but there is still emotional scar tissue. A bad scrape to you shin will heal. It will form a scab that eventually falls off leaving a scar. That scar may make the spot tender for years. If you press on or hit the scarred area you will feel some pain or at least discomfort. Emotional wounds work the same way. In recovery when you start poking around in your psyche, you will likely find some tender spots. The poking may cause discomfort or it may cause a sharp pain. The poking would not hurt if there were not any tender spots.
  • The tactics you used to shield an injury may have widened the area of pain. Years of hearing that you are the family problem, are not good enough, are unlovable or some other humiliating condemnation will likely inflict a wound. However, the injury does not end with the wound. Humiliation about something that is part of your core being will cause you to protect that something. If you have a physical injury you will change the way you move or sit or lay in order to protect the injury. That change in your movement or posture will likely make some other part of your body hurt or become sore. Just like a game of whack-a-mole, the cure may cause as much pain as the injury. Several years ago I broke a tiny bone in my elbow and had to wear a metal brace internally for a year. The bone healed nicely, but because of wearing the brace for so long my arm is weaker than before the injury and it will not straighten out completely. Both things can cause my arm to ache. When I had the metal brace in and hit it against something, I experienced a pain unlike any I had or have ever experienced. I was once trying to open a sliding door that was stuck; when the door released suddenly, I hit the door frame with the part of my arm that contained the metal brace. It hurt so bad, I had to sit down. I swear that metal brace vibrated. So, if you have had an emotional injury, whatever you have done to protect that injured area may also cause you pain. This is especially likely when you start peeling away the layers of abuse as you work through recovery.
  • Abuse can cause you to stop using an aspect of your personality. Then when you work to recover, using that aspect can feel clumsy, abnormal or even dangerous; it can be uncomfortable or painful. In this situation recovery is a lot like physical therapy. When your knee has been replaced or a limb has been broken or even after you have had a heart attack, recovery involves rehabilitation. Rehabilitation can be very painful. I again use my broken elbow as an example. Once the brace was in my arm and the incision had healed adequately, I began physical therapy. It was definitely a case of “no pain, no gain”. For six weeks my arm had been in a sling and pretty much immobile. So, stretching it out and building back the strength and flexibility felt a lot like torture. The pain of physical therapy causes many people to find excuses not to do it and even causes some to give up. Recovery from abuse, particularly narcissistic abuse, involves reactivating and strengthening personality aspects that have been inactive, usually for a very long time. The history of not using the aspect (often multiple aspects) triggers fear and pain.

Both living in narcissistic abuse and recovery from it involve tradeoffs. While living in it, you put up with the abuse and shield yourself or you feel the sting of the narcissist’s venom. While in recovery, you endure the pain of history brought to the surface by your therapy and self-work or you live with the dejection and insulated emptiness you built during the abuse. The biggest difference, to me, is that the pain during abuse is followed by depression and sorrow; whereas, the pain felt during recovery is followed by victory and peace.

As always, I encourage all who have experienced narcissistic abuse to write. Writing is the mind’s natural way of dealing with an emotional problem and therefore assists in recovery. It does not matter what you write. I write fictional tales of narcissistic abuse and articles like this. You can write poetry, letters, lists, stories, journals, etc. You can share your writings with people that are safe and respectful or you can hide them under your mattress. (All the experts say not to share them with the abusing narcissist because you will never convince him/her that they are at fault for anything and you will likely incite them to new heights of abuse.) Writing will enhance and hasten your recovery because the action of writing pulls the pain out of your soul and puts it into a solid form, instead of the murky mess that clouds your brain. Some people even burn, shred or tear up their writings as a symbolic destruction of the pain caused by the abuse.

Let me know how you use writing to deal with hurt during recovery.

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Factors to Consider When Looking for the Best Lawyer in Indiana

It is important understand that lawyers can prove to be very important professionals especially when it comes to helping people get information regarding different types of legal implications. One thing that you need to understand is that so many people today will always consider hiring the services of attorneys for a variety of purposes. For example, somebody to hire the services of an attorney to provide them with different types of legal services that can help them especially when they have been taken to court for a variety of purposes. One of the most important things that need to understand is that when you hire the services of a good attorney, there is a high likelihood that you will be able to enjoy so many advantages. They can be able to protect your rights and also ensure that you get all the necessary legal services that you need. Sometimes, being in a position to hire the services of the best attorney may not be very easy and this might require that you consider looking at some very vital factors.

Anytime you are planning to hire the services of a good lawyer, you need to ensure that you ask yourself whether that particular has the level of experience that is required. This is very important because the field of law is considered to be very complex and for this, you should only engage somebody that has a lot of experience when it comes to providing people with different types of legal services. One of the most important questions you probably want to ask yourself when choosing the best attorney is that that particular lawyer may have specialized in your area of need. There are different types of lawyers are available in the world today and therefore, identifying the specific lawyer that you need can be very important. For example, you might find that different lawyers may have specialized in criminal defense law while others may have specialized in personal injury law and real estate law. It is therefore important that you consider identifying the specialization of a particular lawyer before you hire them.

You will need to pay that particular lawyer when you hire their services and therefore, you must ensure that you focus on the cost implications of choosing the best lawyer in your region. This can prove to be very important because when you hire a lawyer that is quite affordable, you will realize that you will not have to struggle getting quality legal services which is considered to be very important. Another important question you probably want to ask yourself is the quality of services that particular lawyer may have provided to people in the past. This will give you the confidence that you will be able to get quality legal services when you hire a lawyer that has been providing quality services in the past. You can also use the Internet to get information regarding different types of lawyers that can always engage.

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